Stop Thinking About THEM · PlainTextPoetry

We (humans) instinctively categorize everything. We categorize food, animals, environments, and, of course, other humans. I would argue that categorizing people is not merely a psychological comfort. It feels like a survival mechanism that we’ve used for thousands of years. We do it naturally, subconsciously, every day, quite a lot.

Categorizing helps us quickly distinguish between:

People who genuinely want to help us.
People who may have hidden agendas or want something in return.
People who actively intend harm.

I acknowledge that those things aren’t mutually exclusive. In fact, often times the people in our lives are doing some interesting combination of at least #1 and #2. Someone who helps us might also be trying to benefit themselves, and occasionally someone who appears friendly initially might have darker motives. Hopefully we don’t have people in our lives who are actively pursuing #3, but inevitably we run into people like that. Life is certainly not simple, and human relationships are a big part of what makes our lives complex.

The Danger Zone

Categorizing individuals can be useful. You meet someone new, make a quick assessment, and either move on or pursue a deeper relationship. Your initial categorization is often wrong (or at least not quite right), but you deepen your understanding of the person as your relationship deepens.

This leads me into the danger zone…sometimes we categorize entire groups of people and things become murky and problematic. It’s not really possible to “deepen your relationship” with a group of people in the same way that you can with an individual. Thus, it’s not really possible to “deepen your categorization” of a group, you often remain stuck at a surface-level understanding of the category.

If you spend five minutes on Reddit, Twitter, or pretty much anywhere online, you’ll encounter thousands of people obsessed with the concept of “them” — the OTHER. It’s “them” who cause all the problems. It’s “them” who are greedy, lazy, or selfish. It’s “them” who are not being empathetic or sensitive to MY problems.

Why do we do this?

The human brain loves simplifying complexity. Blaming groups of “them” makes life feel simpler, more manageable, more black and white. But categorizing groups of people as fundamentally “good” or “bad” rarely captures reality. It’s also often an apples-to-oranges comparison, because we compare “them” to “me”, rather than “them” to “us”. Perhaps most importantly, it rarely helps us move forward.

Brené Brown, renowned author and researcher, succinctly explains:

“People are hard to hate close up. Move in.”

My Struggle with THEM

I’m definitely not immune to falling into this trap, or any other trap. Lately, I find myself frequently categorizing investors… particularly venture capitalists… as “THEM”.

Building and fundraising for HiiBo has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And the fundraising has been much harder than the building. After multiple rejections and frustrations, it has become easy and even emotionally gratifying to paint VCs as the villainous “others”. As we all know, “they” are greedy, short-sighted, and only back privileged founders from Ivy League schools with rich parents…

I’ve come to realize that this “them” thinking provides temporary emotional relief, but at the end of the day it feels terrible and unproductive. It pushes me into a victim mindset, robbing me of agency and optimism. And frankly, it makes me want to give up.

Empathy as the Antidote

The most powerful way I’ve found to murder the dangerous concept of “them” is empathy.

When I step back and consciously try to empathize with the investor’s experience, I start asking myself questions like, “Why might they hesitate to fund HiiBo right now?” or “What about our pitch feels uncertain from their perspective?”. With enough of these questions to myself, my viewpoint changes and I start approaching the funding situation from a more holistic perspective.

It stops being “me vs. them”. It becomes a matter of understanding genuine, rational concerns. My shift toward empathy transforms blame into curiosity and creates truly actionable insights.

This little quote from Dale Carnegie (you may recognize him as the author of How to Win Friends and Influence People) captures this perfectly:

“Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do.”

By striving to understand their perspective, I reject the passive state of victimhood. I’m empowered to actively improve my product, my pitch, my entire strategy. It feels good, productive, and hopeful.

Ethical Categorization

Empathizing is perhaps the only truly ethical and useful way to categorize groups of people. When categorizing with the intent to empathize, you genuinely seek understanding. You’re looking for common ground. You’re trying to bridge the gap, not widen it.

If you categorize without empathy (or without the intent to empathize), you inevitably position yourself either superior or inferior. Neither leads to a meaningful place.

Take investors again. Rather than labeling them as “greedy gatekeepers,” I try to see them as cautious individuals tasked with identifying the most promising ventures. This makes the conversation more open and productive. Obviously this doesn’t just apply to investors, it applies to virtually every group you might instinctively label as “them”.

Practical Strategies

Here are a few strategies I’ve found incredibly helpful to avoid the trap of categorizing groups negatively:

Self-awareness: Notice when you start blaming entire groups for your frustrations or problems. Pause, deep breath. Ask yourself, “Am I generalizing?”
Humanize them: Remember these groups are composed of individuals, each with their own worries, goals, insecurities, and motivations. Imagine their perspective vividly. Try to imagine multiple different perspectives in the same group. Understand the tension between individuals within the group.
Practice gratitude: Redirect your focus to your own progress and achievements. This helps diminish the power of comparison and blame.
Constructive engagement: When frustrated by rejection, feedback, or obstacles, engage constructively. Ask questions, seek clarity, welcome criticism.

When we categorize without empathy, we end up bitter, divisive, and ultimately weaker as people. But when we categorize with empathy, we grow stronger, wiser, and more resilient.

This applies not just in business, but in family, friendships, politics…virtually every aspect of life.

Consider the harsh divides in politics or culture battles. Everyone categorizes others into hostile camps. This leads to gridlock, misunderstanding, resentment, violence, war, etc. All the bad shit.

But eventually empathy returns, people remember that behind every label is a complex human being. Then healing begins.

Final Musings

At the end of the day, categorizing groups isn’t inherently wrong. It’s how we approach categorization that matters. Approaching groups with empathy creates shared understanding, fosters collaboration, and empowers us to grow.

Stop obsessing over “them”. Focus instead on “us”. Ultimately there is no them…there’s only a collection of individuals navigating life, just like you and I.

And yeah, note to self: Investors are people too, sir. Keep remembering that.